CALENDAR WOES

Happy New Year.... the end is near.  Ok people it's 2011, one year closer to the dreaded 2012. You know what I'm referring to... the end of the world as predicted by folks who have mis-read the Mayan calendars. Personally I believe the Mayans just didn't create a calendar beyond 2011.

They were busy, fighting off Europeans or plagues or something but the fact that the calendar they did create ends in 2012 somehow translates into the end of the world as we know it. People are funny.

But you know, we have seen some really bizarre things recently, slug creatures in the sewers of North Carolina, we've had mass animal deaths as recently as few days ago. On  Wednesday officials in Kentucky reported the death of hundreds of birds that seem to fall out of the sky, for the SECOND time this week.  Sweden reported 50 jackdaw birds found in the streets of Stockholm and 50,000 dead crabs washed up on the shores of the UK. Similar events are being reported from Arkansas, Brazil, New Zealand and Maryland where millions of fish were found dead in Chesapeake Bay this week. Oh and perhaps the strangest of them all... Sarah Palin.

Sure officials have logical explanations like the extreme cold killing the fish in Maryland and the coldest December in 120 years killing the crabs in the UK but this all seems a little unnerving to me especially since no one is even attempting to explain Palin.  Which brings me to my main point... Am I ready? Are YOU ready for the end?  Now I'm not being spiritual here, I have a healthy relationship with my belief system which can be called something like quantum meta-physics, no I'm referring to fending for yourself when everything goes kaboom.  

Being able present a killer PowerPoint  presentation to close that deal will not help you in a world where water and gasoline become the new national currency.  Hey I've seen enough post apocalyptic movies to know, one needs a strategic defenseable position to rest your head, some make-shift form of weapons and  transportation, sustenance and ohhh yeah... a dog. 

It's time to get my survival skills up. Need to get my puppy soon.

Ok so I'm gonna share my master plan with you.  Walmart... yup... that's right.  When the Moon eclipses to black and the sea turns red all hell is gonna break lose, but me and a loyal band of "new worlders" are heading directly for the malls. All we need is to take over a Walmart and a Home Depot.  

Once we are securely inside, down with the security gates which will be our first line of defense.  We then have our boys with the power tools in Home Depot tunnel across, about 50 feet below, creating safe passage between the twin fortresses.  After that it's just a matter fortifying the walls with as much welded metal to withstand any attacking zombie-like horde. It should be safe enough for anything short of an attack from a rogue military division.

The plan is almost flawless.  Walmart has enough food supplies to last a while and the garden section should have seeds and soil so we can grow what we need inside.  I figure in about 90 days any animal protein will be completely exhausted, but we'll be either in a position to barter with the poor fools outside to get what we need OR strong and healthy enough to go out and grab what we need, based our stores of medicine and vitamins in the pharmacy department.

Did you know Walmart has weapons? Assorted knives, guns, ammunition for hunters... need I say more.  That coupled with the power tools from Home Depot we will be able to build anything we need including a fast armored  all-terrain vehicle that would make the Road Warrior jealous.

So, although I don't really garden, or weld or do any of the end of the world stuff that Will Smith and Mel Gibson are famous for I can plan and organize and what's more important than that?

So you wanna join my team or what?